The Velvet Rage cover art

The Velvet Rage

Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

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The Velvet Rage

By: Alan Downs Ph. D
Narrated by: Alan Downs Ph. D
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About this listen

The most important issue in a gay man’s life is not “coming out”, but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, “Are we better off?” The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger - a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide.

Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author’s own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man.

©2005, 2006, 2012 Alan Downs (P)2012 HighBridge Company Gay Studies Gender Studies LGBTQ+ Studies Social Sciences Rage Mental Health Inspiring Thought-Provoking Young Adult

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Most relevant  
I relate to almost every part of this book, as I search for my own authentic life Alan’s stories and knowledge has made me feel that I’m not alone and that there’s hope once we understand the affects that toxic shame has in the life of most if not all gay men. I highly recommend it and it’s no wonder it’s been labelled “the gay bible” by many.

Overwhelmingly meaningful

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At times it was very difficult to listen to the truth & pain Alan Downs understands so well about all gay men but I'm glad I kept listening - I feel my awareness about my own struggles has increased significantly. Fantastic book.

Every gay man should read this book at some point in his life

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I loved this. It was interesting the whole way through. And there is invaluable advise you can cherish for years to come. It can be tough being gay, but it doesn't have to be.
I always had a feeling there was something wrong with me. Something missing. This book validates and highlights that thing that was missing. I hope all the best to anyone that gets this book. And that they work to find the peace they deserve.

If your gay, you need this.

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Didn’t expect to connect with this book as I did, made me realise I harboured a lot of shame and the author describes what to do about this.

Well written and knowledgable

Brilliant

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Alan Downs presents his thesis on the origins of the unique neuroses of the gay man with enjoyable style and a typically American confidence. He clearly demonstrates his psychological expertise in his quite original formulation of the gay experience, integrating concepts from behaviourism, cognitive psychology and psychoanalysis in a way which is satisfying to those of us able to recognise them, and completely accessible and unintimidating to the layman. Unfortunately, Downs begins from a perspective of wealthy, privileged and presumably white cis-heteronormativity from which he fails to break or deviate at any time. His personal anecdotes, in early chapters especially, may alienate some readers as they did my partner, although I would encourage them to try to see past these restricted illustrations to the genuine insight beneath. More than anything, this book and books like are symbolic of the progress from queerness being labelled as deviant psychopathology to being understood compassionately through normative psychology. Therefore, it is an essential read, so that we can develop and improve on the ideas presented, towards a more inclusive and relevant thesis.

A Must Read and Must Critique

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So relatable to any gay man no matter your race age or upbringing definitely recommend espionage to any fellow friends of Dorothy rainbow😘🌈

Amazing

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I read this book during the time I came out with my family for the second time, as I was rejected by my own mother and didn’t get support from my 2 brothers when I told them for the first time that I was gay.
It was a revelation for me and truly seeing myself in the book from one chapter to another. This helps me process my feelings, emotions, rejections, splitting personality, rage and anger, suicidal thoughts and many more. I finally accepted myself and overcome the shame of being gay in a straight man broken world. I can’t thank you enough Dr. Downs. Kudos to you and your team!

It helps me truly understand of myself

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Like many gay men I bought this book years ago and assumed it’s presence in my bookcase would convey its message. Losing my wonderful husband being widowed lockdown and finally coming out to my parents in my 40’s meant I found time to learn it’s lessons and reflect on all those times in my life gay shame led me to behave badly act impulsively or simply talk myself into despair. To make it more funny I’m also a psychologist. Now I have listened to this book I have a renewed vision and understanding of how I got here. But more importantly some things I need to change. If you’re a gay man and are any age of 30 (or indeed any age in some communities) you need to read this book. It just might make things better.

I finally listened.

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Even though it’s been almost two decades since its fist release this book is still absolutely mind blowing. So many people will hopefully see sides of themselves while going through this book.

A must read for the gay man looking to find himself

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Powerful, healing, Revealing.. I loved it for A to Z. I wish would have read this book years back. Thinking

Sublime

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